CHRISSY WAKE UP I DONT LIKE THIS CHRISSY WAKE UP
7/26/2022
5/26/2022
Himlay
Long time.
It's a few weeks into 2020, and I'm writing now to clear off a few things from my mind. This has always been a repository of things inside my head, after all.
On 2019.
Man, this was a tough year. I quit my job of four years and took a leap of faith. I started up my internship again. It was a rough year, guys. I can't tell you how many times I woke up with a massive pit in my stomach, thinking of how the day was going to be like. It was hard, you know? I had never felt so much self-hate, so much doubt and anxiety, so much worry. I felt like a lot of my experiences weighed on me and reduced me to nothing. It felt like I was breathing through a tube.
I won't deny that most of it was all in my head. A lot of my worries and insecurities spilled over certain aspects of my life and it just pooled into a huge wave. Imagine lying at the deep end of the pool, not being able to feel the tiles on your feet. I felt like a drifter, unsure of which side was up or down.
There were days when I found myself sitting at the little prayer room just a few floors beneath the floor I was doing my internship in. I usually finished my duties at around 5 in the afternoon, so I usually stopped at prayer room before going home. During this time, the whole place was suffused in a warm orange glow, the setting of the sun.
Sometimes, I felt peace. I won't deny that there were days when peace didn't come. I could sit there, aimlessly for hours on end. I didn't want to go home. To go home was to admit that I wasted another day, I was a day less and not an inch further.
Writing this is still hard for me. Honestly. I keep on switching tabs. I keep on opening new things. The thing is, I think i've developed the habit of not being fully in the moment? Like I'm not fully paying attention to things going on, especially if I feel that it's hard, or not going too well. I think this is a form of task avoidance - evading accountabilities and what not. It's something that I feel I need to change this year. Or at least to take steps to address it.
======================================================
It's a few weeks into 2020, and I'm writing now to clear off a few things from my mind. This has always been a repository of things inside my head, after all.
On 2019.
Man, this was a tough year. I quit my job of four years and took a leap of faith. I started up my internship again. It was a rough year, guys. I can't tell you how many times I woke up with a massive pit in my stomach, thinking of how the day was going to be like. It was hard, you know? I had never felt so much self-hate, so much doubt and anxiety, so much worry. I felt like a lot of my experiences weighed on me and reduced me to nothing. It felt like I was breathing through a tube.
I won't deny that most of it was all in my head. A lot of my worries and insecurities spilled over certain aspects of my life and it just pooled into a huge wave. Imagine lying at the deep end of the pool, not being able to feel the tiles on your feet. I felt like a drifter, unsure of which side was up or down.
There were days when I found myself sitting at the little prayer room just a few floors beneath the floor I was doing my internship in. I usually finished my duties at around 5 in the afternoon, so I usually stopped at prayer room before going home. During this time, the whole place was suffused in a warm orange glow, the setting of the sun.
Sometimes, I felt peace. I won't deny that there were days when peace didn't come. I could sit there, aimlessly for hours on end. I didn't want to go home. To go home was to admit that I wasted another day, I was a day less and not an inch further.
Writing this is still hard for me. Honestly. I keep on switching tabs. I keep on opening new things. The thing is, I think i've developed the habit of not being fully in the moment? Like I'm not fully paying attention to things going on, especially if I feel that it's hard, or not going too well. I think this is a form of task avoidance - evading accountabilities and what not. It's something that I feel I need to change this year. Or at least to take steps to address it.
======================================================
I'm revisiting this a few weeks halfway before 2022.
2 years of pandemic anxiety and quarantine. I don't feel the same. I dont think I ever will.
9/17/2019
YWQN
XV
Nanginginig na kalamnan, nagsisibagsakang looban -
Ramdam ang laman sa putik, putik sa laman
Pabulong na tapang sa pagkapa sa dilim
Kasinungaliang minsan nang inalagaan
Pinakain, pinagyaman - pinagyabong sa kaalamang
Sa yakap ng dilim lahat ay magsingmukha na lamang
Nanatiling buhay sa kahapon ngunit bihag sa bukas
Sa loob ng rehas ginawa sa simula, paikot at palabas
Sa hudyat ng simula, mag sisipagkalasan pa kaya?
Tinanim na gusaling mistulang baluktot na kublihan
Sa aking naliligaw na daanan
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