It Has Been a Year

Ang Bandang Shirley - Siberia

and what a year it has been.

2016 was a time of change and growth. Around January or February last year, I wrote in my planner the things that I wanted to do. I'm pretty stoked to see that I've managed to at least tick off all of them - join an eco-group, enroll in a japanese class, travel and enroll myself in further studies.

It's been a challenging and rewarding year, guys.

Catching Up

Whoa, it has been a little over a year since I've last written in here.

Blogging has always been at the back of my mind, to be honest. Life has been getting in the way though, and letting it has been my choice. A lot of things have happened which I'd like to share, but I'd like to go into detail some other time. I want some things to have that distinction.

At ay nako juicecolored. I don't think I'll ever be able to complete a 30D challenge :))

Anyway, here are a few things: 

Rant

IV

Your door is closed.

It is wooden, but hollow
Even if it opens, and you walk outside
Nobody feels welcome
But everybody shivers, scared

I knock for the door to fall
but only the skin on my knuckles do

I watch the skin fall, and the blood follow after
Raw wounds that need time to heal
A perfect circle-shaped break in my skin
A fitting ring for my soul to feel
The hollow beat of my heart
  - of jagged stone against cold tin

V

I am trying.

Sometimes I just want to take it all away. To uproot myself from the world, tearing out the roots.

I am my own adhesive - I can take away everything, wipe it away. Clean. Empty. Start all over again.

I want to jettison myself away. Jetsam. Debris from a larger whole. I often wondered how it feels to escape, and now I wonder when.

Separate, then blur out the lines.

Nakakapagod na.

Sorry!

Hwoops.

It has been a while since I last wrote in here, since I last logged in. Sorry about that. I want to say that a lot of things happened, that there were a lot of things that I had to take care of, but... nope. I'd rather not. To say these things at this point would be just excuses, and I'd much rather not offer up any.

So. Here we are, at the break between the 2nd day and the 3rd day of writing. Here is something a little bit more... personal.

I want to tell you a few things.

Stutter

Autotelic - Dahilan

I feel my chest tighten - my lips slam shut and I feel something bottled up inside my throat. I struggle to take a breath and try to open my mouth again, but a gasp only escapes me. I think of fish and the endless way their mouth opens and closes; I feel myself getting red in the face. I see you furrow your eyes in worry, and I try to communicate by my eyes that this is okay, that this happens. I know I fail.

This is how it feels. This is how it feels to be stopped by your own body, to feel yourself powerless to explain.

This.

Numbers II

NP: Vivir, Mowat

7. June has been a strange month, and it's still a cliche to say this, but it needs to be said. It has been a month of definite downs and absolute highs, with almost nothing in between to stabilize myself in. A part of me wants to deny it, but in the interest of mental health, I find myself denying the need to deny.

8. The first fight of the day begins the moment I open my eyes: I am tied down by the warmth of my bed, by the coziness of my pillows. To close my eyes is to surrender my body to the warm, enveloping wave of my bed, and the gentle drone of the fan. To get up is to admit prisoner to the cold, hard floor, but it is still the cold floor I seek, so I can start my day fully.

9. I consider you one of my constants. You are not only the anchor that ties me down, but also the wind that blows and refreshes. You are not only the ocean that I steer in, but also the stars that guide and direct. You are the ship, the people and the energy, the quiet lull in the morning, the gentle breeze of the sea. I miss you, and I miss being with you, in its simplest and truest sense.

To The Tito I've Never Known: Musings and Stories on the National Day of Mourning

Today, over sandwiches and coffee, I talked with my Nanay for a bit about what it was like back then, and why she had so much fear towards Muslims. 

It started a few hours ago, when we watched a live broadcast of the necrological services on TV. Nanay, (actually my aunt, but she practically raised me, so I call her so) a frail-looking but still surprisingly strong woman of 60 years of age, had such strong reactions against the encounter but I couldn't help but ask myself why. She told me herself a few hours later over merienda that when she was a child, her brother was ambushed and kidnapped by Muslim raiders in the mountains. My Tito bebot, the Tito i had never known, never came back down since.

Saying Goodbyes

Break the Cycle, You + Me

A few weeks into 2015, I said goodbye to a friend.

To those of you who've come into my room, you might notice several things. You might notice the black and red marker writings on the inside and outside of the closets, a thing i started one late night into my junior year, when a scene from an anime series kind of inspired me to do so. You might also notice the large pile of books stacked haphazardly in one corner. Maybe you'd look at the shelves above the mirror and notice the rows of Goosebumps books. Or maybe you might notice the assorted things i've crammed into this wall over here. It's kind of a medley of all the things i've found throughout more or less 9 years, to be honest. There's countless CDs (broken, mind you) of movies and music, some notices and meetings i've had a hand in officiating, some k-zone posters from my elementary days, an old map of UP from when I took the UPCAT and even a calendar of Our Lady of Buensuceso - the patron saint of my old high school alma mater.

Harrumph

NP: Tom Misch & Carmody - So Close

Right. It's been a few weeks since the end of the exam, and i passed. Can't say i'm pleased, can't say i'm not. It just is. Right now i'm looking at jobs, or the smattering of ones i find, and it feels like nothing has changed, but at the same time a lot has.[Proofread. HAHA ano ba, past daryl :))] I had this interview recently where this interviewer was asking me to develop a test so casually, like i do it all the time. Hnggh. There was this other one who asked me (as i applied for an L&D post) why i went and grabbed a license. Jeez I don't know lady, i don't know.

I don't know what i was expecting, really. I feel like i'm in limbo again, but this time the pressure is more real, yknow? I can feel a lot of people breathing heavily on my neck looking forward to what i'll do next - most heavily a person i don't even relatively see - so it's quite a lot to take in. The additional letters tacked to the end of my name feels more like a paddle in a sea of heavy, heavy liquid. I can't use it to row, so i might as well whack myself on the head with it.

Close To The Dawn

NP: Up Dharma Down, Tadhana

Top (n) on my library. I've formatted the hard drive earlier this year, and i haven't had the time to update my playlist yet, so the play count isn't all that high - but this seems to be pretty accurate.

The First Wedding I Ever Attended

NP: Charlie Simpson, Haunted

I want to talk about the first wedding i ever attended. It's a lie, actually - this isn't the first one. But it feels more like the first, simply because I want it to have this distinction. 

It was for my friend, Pok (or Pola, take your pick). Just last December 2013, she was showing us her ring, inviting us for her wedding sometime in 2014. Understandably, we were shocked and nervous at the same time. We barely even met the guy, but you see, to me, Pok was just one of the people who.. kind of had it together, yknow? She was kind of a bitch sometimes, but her most significant quality was her togetherness. Puzzles didn't faze her simply because she was above it - she could look at som many things and see the puzzle that was forming. So even though we barely even met the guy, i guess there was a degree of confidence. "Si Pola na yun eh."

Missing Places

NP: Sam Smith, Make It To Me

I'm currently missing a lot of places right now. Usually i miss a place because i've attributed value to it, or because of other reasons.

Missing a place is weird. It's not like, say, missing a person. People can be tricky to contact, and oftentimes when you meet with one it's hard to predict what would happen.

Places, on the other hand, are more predictable by the simple value of they don't really move. They're pretty solid and consistent, and it's hard to move a place. Well, relatively consistent until the next condo or mall comes along. Right now, this is a list of places that i miss and might go to more in the future, because well, i just fucking miss them. I'm missing a lot of things lately, it seems.

Half-Truths

NP: Make It To Me, Sam Smith

Two years ago, at the then closed Q Pav

I've disliked routine. Often, I stop by other places before going home and just wander off. When i started work almost two years ago, i often found myself at the harbour at dawn, nibbling on a subway, waiting  for the sun to rise, the mall to open, or for something to happen. Sometimes, i would lay at the parking lot - no crowd, no shame - and close my eyes, imagining that a tide would take everyone and leave me at the shore, making me the last person on earth.