This Is New

NP: Priscilla Ahn - I'll Be Here

Right. I've moved to a new blog! I was debating, actually, whether or not to create a new profile for this new one. I mean, it was a figurative kick in the guts, reading this:

Hello from circa 2009? 2008?

I mean, JFC. Just what is that interest. HNGH. 

Hello. I've been neglecting to post much on my previous blog. I don't really know what happened.

Actually, I do. I do happen to have an inkling.

Thumbing through the posts from last year and the year after that has been painful. The smattering of posts I've written were just so full of confusion and pain. 2013 was a shitty year - i resigned from my job, questioned my beliefs about faith, friendships and relationships and contemplated things i really shouldn't have. I've been so vague writing about my life for fear of putting my thoughts into actual words and into existence, reading through them from a stranger's perspective was just confusing. 

Before I resigned, good times were scarce. I woke up at dusk feeling disoriented and disliking what I did for a living. I tried to dull my feelings and experience nothing, but even that was difficult. I had ambitions, but felt like there was nothing I could do to reach them. This was probably the most frustrating part. 

Looking back, there was a lot of things that I could have done. I could've resigned earlier, but I was held back by insecurity and inadequacy - "will i find a job after this?", "am i doing the right thing?"and "i should try and work for a full year before resigning" were the common lines of thought. I was suddenly grabbed by a heavy weariness and kind of thought "fuck it let's just not move an inch from here." It was just so damn tiring. 

January 2014.

Not to say though that I was totally sad; the friends that I made there were great. They were with me from the start and have been until the end. They gave me letters which in truth i haven't fully read yet and whole host of other keepsakes - things which remain in my room and in that compartment of my cabinet.

The day after resigning (and even a few months after), I was still disoriented - but with a whole new thing. Waking up at dawn and having nothing to look forward that day was an alien concept - the days felt so long, i struggled to fill them. I read new books, tried new software and instruments and pursued other hobbies, but the thing is, I disliked feeling that i wasn't making most of my life. Most of the time, I felt like i was on the fence between good and bad days; I had no directon and just existed. 

I decided to give myself some time to breathe. I postponed searching for a new job until 2014 and tried tackling this thing with rationality and logic. I charted which things i was good or bad at and made a sort of career map. This kind of helped - i've developed a vestige of what i wanted to be and what i need to do to get there. 

I'm not saying i've made significant progress - far from it. But right now i can manage to be hopeful again and be more optimistic about the future. I've found new belief and new reasons to trust on the relationships i've made. I've come to swallow the fact that though i really wanted to hold all of these relationships, ties and memories, my arms can only hold so much. I'm still broken from the things that happened and honestly I still find the general humdrum of living to be difficult. Sometimes I find myself staring into the deep blue ocean of my computer screen and wishing i was everywhere but there. Sometimes I question my decisions and berate myself on the stupidity of it.

Progress

But it gets better everyday. There's just so much to experience, and this is what I am focusing on. I imagine that life is a pile of good things and bad things - the good things don't necessarily invalidate the bad, and the bad don't spoil the good. Balance.

Progression(?) Notice how i'm wearing the same thing in three of the 1x1s. HAHA

Right now, I'm under contract for this international telecommunications company. I think i'm doing pretty well - although lately i've been forced to make another tough decision. I still don't know where i'm headed, though i've found a way, hopefully. 

So. yep. This is new.