It's a few weeks into 2020, and I'm writing now to clear off a few things from my mind. This has always been a repository of things inside my head, after all.
On 2019.
Man, this was a tough year. I quit my job of four years and took a leap of faith. I started up my internship again. It was a rough year, guys. I can't tell you how many times I woke up with a massive pit in my stomach, thinking of how the day was going to be like. It was hard, you know? I had never felt so much self-hate, so much doubt and anxiety, so much worry. I felt like a lot of my experiences weighed on me and reduced me to nothing. It felt like I was breathing through a tube.
I won't deny that most of it was all in my head. A lot of my worries and insecurities spilled over certain aspects of my life and it just pooled into a huge wave. Imagine lying at the deep end of the pool, not being able to feel the tiles on your feet. I felt like a drifter, unsure of which side was up or down.
There were days when I found myself sitting at the little prayer room just a few floors beneath the floor I was doing my internship in. I usually finished my duties at around 5 in the afternoon, so I usually stopped at prayer room before going home. During this time, the whole place was suffused in a warm orange glow, the setting of the sun.
Sometimes, I felt peace. I won't deny that there were days when peace didn't come. I could sit there, aimlessly for hours on end. I didn't want to go home. To go home was to admit that I wasted another day, I was a day less and not an inch further.
Writing this is still hard for me. Honestly. I keep on switching tabs. I keep on opening new things. The thing is, I think i've developed the habit of not being fully in the moment? Like I'm not fully paying attention to things going on, especially if I feel that it's hard, or not going too well. I think this is a form of task avoidance - evading accountabilities and what not. It's something that I feel I need to change this year. Or at least to take steps to address it.
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I'm revisiting this a few weeks halfway before 2022.
2 years of pandemic anxiety and quarantine. I don't feel the same. I dont think I ever will.
