Sorry!

Hwoops.

It has been a while since I last wrote in here, since I last logged in. Sorry about that. I want to say that a lot of things happened, that there were a lot of things that I had to take care of, but... nope. I'd rather not. To say these things at this point would be just excuses, and I'd much rather not offer up any.

So. Here we are, at the break between the 2nd day and the 3rd day of writing. Here is something a little bit more... personal.

I want to tell you a few things.

I

A few days ago, I was at a retreat at my workplace. The retreat house was situated near Mt. Batulao, a mountain range at Batangas. Each time the retreat master gave us time for ourselves to think and to reconnect, I always found myself perched precariously at a rock ledge overlooking the Batulao, and the foliage before it. During this time, I admit that my thoughts often wandered to the things I should have left behind for a while. I found myself thinking about where I am right now, and what I have done to get here.

Lately, I find myself talking about the future, envisioning what I want to accomplish with my life. It's varied - I want to teach psychology, I want to empower students, I want to work for a cause I believe in. I want to be well-traveled and independent. I want to experience the childish wide-eyed wonder a lot of us have forgotten. I want to become. I want to be.

I dunno. I just want a lot of things. Can I call this ambition? Or are they more like goals?

Or maybe the "what" doesn't really matter. Maybe it's the "when"? When can I achieve this? When can I reach my goals?

I don't know. It's difficult, because the way you assess the progress you have made is by comparing your current self, to your future plans. It's terrifying. Sometimes I look at how others have made their strides and see how different their footsteps are, how changed their manner of walking is. Sometimes, I look at myself and get a glimpse of how I am, of how changed I have been. It's... strange.

II

It's difficult to be preoccupied with the future. But to be honest, I'm liking the structure of it. Having these goals makes them more.. concrete. More achievable.

I guess right now, the 23-year old me would prefer plans etched in stones rather than in clouds, y'know? I'm placing a higher premium on clarity than vague notions, of unclear plans. If you'd ask me, i think this is just because I'm scared of inaction. Scared of being in a lake, unable to row.

It's difficult to be anxious about it, but hey. It is what it is. Just have to roll with it.

III

Some time ago, I was talking to one of the people I value the most.

Shaping the words is difficult for me right now. To give them life here on paper is even more arduous - what words will I use just to have my thoughts take form?

What am I even trying to say? What future is it that we should speak of? Should we be speaking of it, at all?

I apologize. This might not be the right venue for me to open up the present.

Instead, let me just take the time to express my thanks, simply because I will forever be grateful for the entirety of the things we have done. To my once young self, to be in this kind of friendship with you and everyone was an incredible dream, but to have lived it once with you and everyone else is just a testament to what we have lived through. Truly, there are times when we toast absent friends, but I do believe that these absences are part of a reason we may not know or ever understand.

We, everyone of us, are in a continuous state of becoming and being, and it would be awesome to be with you in the experience.

Thank you for being a living, breathing person with me, with us.

I love you.